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Dating when chronical sick

ForumFriendship and relationships

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  • September 19

    Hi everybody,

    I have been here for about 2 months or so.

    I have a problem I am not sure how to handle. I am 46 years old, single and have never been married. But I am also sick with a sever chronical digenstive illness. This illness has some serious consequenses. It isolates me bit and does effect my daily routines.

    The worst part about this illness is that the last 3 girls I have chatted with, all have cut communications when they realized that this is a lifelong illness. Breaks my heart each time.

    So the question is simple. Would any of you ladies date somebody who is sick? How much would you like to know about this illness from the beginning? Would you talk it down a bit or would you tell all? Would you write about it in the profile or would you wait?

    The reason why I am asking is that 2018 have been all about broken dreams for me. One dream after the other have been broken. So this is just one more broken dream in a long line of broken dreams. I wanna keep this one alive but I am not sure how...

  • September 23

    Hey,

    Sorry to hear about your situation. I'm not sure there's a "correct" or "prescribed" way to handle the it. Whether you choose to write it in your profile or not may depend on how sensitive you think communicating medical conditions to a wide audience may be.

    I don't think that everyone needs to know what medical conditions you may or may not have. While I think honesty and transparency is the best policy, I also think that choosing the right time and context to explain something to someone you trust enough to share it with is also important.

    Given the potentially sensitive nature of the situation, I think trust needs to be a pre-requisite before you suddenly try to explain it. And don't try to "talk it down"; trying to sugar-coat the truth has the potential of crossing the border into deceptive territory somewhere along the line, and depending on the specifics, that line might lie on different coordinates for each person.

    Also, I think that the best context to explain something like this would be in a face-to-face conversation, which is unfortunate, because online dating sites are not exactly conducive to that sort of interaction...

    I hope this helps you at least a bit and that if women reply, they'll take the time to provide honest responses rather than the vague and cliché statements that are often so common in this forum.

    September 23 updated by XRAY948

  • September 25

    XRAY948 wrote:

    Hey,

    Sorry to hear about your situation. I'm not sure there's a "correct" or "prescribed" way to handle the it. Whether you choose to write it in your profile or not may depend on how sensitive you think communicating medical conditions to a wide audience may be.

    I don't think that everyone needs to know what medical conditions you may or may not have. While I think honesty and transparency is the best policy, I also think that choosing the right time and context to explain something to someone you trust enough to share it with is also important.

    Given the potentially sensitive nature of the situation, I think trust needs to be a pre-requisite before you suddenly try to explain it. And don't try to "talk it down"; trying to sugar-coat the truth has the potential of crossing the border into deceptive territory somewhere along the line, and depending on the specifics, that line might lie on different coordinates for each person.

    Also, I think that the best context to explain something like this would be in a face-to-face conversation, which is unfortunate, because online dating sites are not exactly conducive to that sort of interaction...

    I hope this helps you at least a bit and that if women reply, they'll take the time to provide honest responses rather than the vague and cliché statements that are often so common in this forum.

    Thanks for the reply. The reason I ask is because the last 4 ladies I chatted to, all left as soon as they realized I wasnt going to get well again. It didnt matter if I had told them up front, in the profile, or even waited to a later point. They all gave the exact same explanation. "I thought you were going to get well. So this is a shock to me, and I dont think we should take this futher."

    Face to face is a problem because I can barely go out to eat. If I do, I have to plan it with the restaurant months ahead - and thats impossible to do, because I have no idea if I have to cancel due to this illness. Its a really tough balance to keep each day, and anything can tip that balance over. So I have to tell the girl before we even meet up for the first time. No way around that.

  • September 30

    I guess the fact that no ladies have replied on this, speaks volumes. My illness is the reason why I am single - and will stay single the rest of my life... That breaks my heart. Pure and simple...

  • September 30

    Hi there Mbechmann,

    Wow I think you’re going through something that is extremely difficult. Especially when someone is looking for a relationship being met with something unexpected as you have described-  anyone who doesn’t run would be quite strong. Most times the truth is quite hard to bear especially if that burden is not yours to carry. You yourself are very strong to put yourself out there and I admire you for that. We all want to be in relationships and to be related to someone.

    I wonder if my suggestion might help or if you have already tried that. What if you look for friendship to begin with. With that there’s less burden on both yourself and the other person to expect commitment right away. And as a friend I think to begin with the other person wouldn’t feel the kind of shock that the others have felt. I just think it would be a more organic kind of relationship, that you never know may lead to more. There’s less expection and more giving and listening and just being yourself. I don’t know if I’m being too idealistic but it’s just something I thought of. Hopefully this would be a relationship where you can pray with each other and encourage each other.

    God bless :)

  • October 1

    MBECHMANN932 wrote:

    Face to face is a problem because I can barely go out to eat. If I do, I have to plan it with the restaurant months ahead - and thats impossible to do, because I have no idea if I have to cancel due to this illness. Its a really tough balance to keep each day, and anything can tip that balance over. So I have to tell the girl before we even meet up for the first time. No way around that.

    Hmm, would a live-chat program make this easier? For example, a program such as Skype, Discord, or anything that might allow the use of a camera to talk to a person remotely and still appear "face to face".

    I think SUNRISE's comment on starting out with a friendship, which implies less commitment and so on, might work(?), but it can also be more time-consuming, among other things. But it could still allow the other person more time to "process" any situation you might describe, or give you more time to share pieces of the situation at different points in time rather than throw everything out at once.

    I'd like to see more replies here from the women.

    P.S.: Don't read too much into the absence of replies; I've noticed that the amount of "engagement" from most people in this forum is generally quite low, relative to other sites I've been in, and in many cases, quite superficial and/or vague. When people post replies that are at least meaningful in some way, that's generally the exception rather than the rule, based on my experience here anyway. In short, don't overthink this one.

    October 1 updated by XRAY948

  • October 5

    Thanks for the replies. I have been thinking about this the last few days.

    First, yes this ilness is not easy to carry. It also why I know that God will take it away from me at some point. He has already given me several different promisses about that. But thats a whole other story.

    Second. I always wants to become friends with a girl/lady I am interested in. No doubt about that. But there is a problem about that. Becoming friends with somebody I am interested in, can also land me in the "Friendzone". I have lost friendships because I wanted more than the "Friendzone".

    Third. Live chats. Yes I do use that, but not at first. Baby steps for me. Maybe 4-5 mails/messeges back and forth, before a live chat.

    All in all, I am realizing more and more, that I will be alone the rest of my life.  

  • October 16

    Thank you for being candid and sharing your life story with all of us. As Christians we are also here,to encourage and uplift each other in this journey of life.

    First of all let me say, don't give up.Continue chatting & meeting new people with not only the intention of dating,but creating more friendships.On line dating by its very nature can be superficial at times. Most of the times, it's like a supermarket,almost everyone is shopping around.

    I have been here for more than a year and I can truly say people come & go.Thus it might not be you that is putting these women off,but their own expectations.Do not take it as an insult on you,but rather as a blessing.You would rather be in a relationship with someone that is committed rather than someone that is baiting you. Guard your heart and remember that it could be a blessing in disguise.

    In my own life,I always use the anology of the missed bus or aeroplane that has an accident.You can be angry and even run after a bus that's leaving you behind. But you are surprised and thankful,when you hear the same bus had an accident.So in life,you never know but take every delay as a blessing.

    God loves you and has the absolute best for you.I know this sounds like a cliche sometimes,but it's the truth.

    Found this on Instagram the other day

    " Pray your disappointments but leave them with God. Remember, you just can’t see everything. And when he answers us, it will be far better and more astonishing than anything we could have asked for."( Timothy Keller).

  • October 30

    @MBECHMANN932, it's very good you are sharing your life with your brothers and sisters. Like Tina says,we are here to encourage one another, sometimes not even by words but by sight. I like it that you are hopeful one day you'll receive your healing, I also believe so and earnestly such a blessing for you. It's also good for you to remember that the Lord Himself has said for each He created a mate. He's not man that He should lie,you can't afford to be hopeless because of your condition. I believe you'll come to find a person who'll love you with all their lives no matter the report theyreceive about you. Keep trusting,keep believing,keep praying earnestly. Be blessed

  • October 31

    Hey bro, I would establish a relationship first so she is drawn to parts of you, your sense of humor that makes her laugh,  your godliness as you pray and lead a bible study with her over live video chat, and all the other things she finds in you that look more and more attractive over time (hint: girls "like" us guys more and more as the days go by-- familiarity blossoms into Love in their hearts).  I got hurt serving the Lord in 1996 (inoperable low back disc which you cant tell by looking at me and I have rare flare ups) and then much later in 2013, a truck ran a light and hit my door at 50 mph without braking (got 6 herniated neck discs so some pain going to my rt hand, some traumatic brain injury in 4 places, a left knee that rarely acts up) but though these are all permanent, no one knows unless I tell them.  So I wait awhile to mention them at all.  Usually after we are quite close, and we like each other.  And they wonder about my income.  So then I let them know I have 2 income streams from God so I can evangelize anywhere He wants to send me.  I look at mine as a blessing and the girls have too as they know we can have a close family and homeschool a child together, and live anywhere we like in the world to serve God and have fun.  So stay upbeat, be fun, and funny so she laughs a lot, be thoughtful like each week knowing her is an anniversary to be noted, and really listen to her without interupting (dont be a problem solver, but BE there to just listen for her to share what is going on in her life and in her heart).  Love of Christ, David

  • Wednesday at 3:40pm

    MBECHMANN932 and BELOVED314, your lives.. first of all, I understand how both of you feel.  Not easy.   For me, I am Deaf, have Meneire's.  That is tinnitus and veritgo.  I am what they call me, a "Rubella baby"  That is, it was common in mid 1960s that caused many babies born deaf, maybe blindness, or any other disabilities.  I was born hard of hearing, blind in one eye, but with the Meneire's, I became profounded deaf and yes, I get discrimination every day.  Not just talking about relationship wise, I am also talking about employment, things out there.. anything every day.  ie-I hate when they call my name and I did not hear they call my name unless they come up to me!  

    I also have arthritis in my neck and lower back.  I do exercises.  It helps..

    I let not anything bothers me even with tinnitus.. its noises in my left ear permanently (this is why I dont like music).  

    So, we are all in the same boat.  It is human nature that we all do not do right.  Jesus explained not just one but TWO parables relating to this.  The Rich Man in Luke 16 who ignored the poor sick man named Lazurus.  And the Good Samaritian.  I believe those two parables were actual testamonies because they both have names.

    Anyway, the point is, we all must remember we will be rewarded for our faith in God.  I even understand that Christian women can be like that rich man and those rejected the poor man on the road before the Good Samaritian came by.

    So.. what does that tell you?  I really like what Tina said about the bus.  The point she made is that.. those women are like those buses they left without you.  I said something like that to myself often.  Once there was a Christian woman I really loved whom I met online and then one day I told her more about me that I am deaf and all.  Then she does not want me at all and blocked me and that really hurts me.  I did not know that was the reason till a friend of mine online told me what she told her.  And that woman married a sailor. Then I realized myself just like what Tina said about the bus.  I said to myself.  Praise the Lord she is married him.  I will tell you why.  God has good reason. When a person judge you, that person is being judged.  She got judged. I saw it all before my eyes even it has happend yet.  What if her husband, a sailor got injuried in a war and he becomes disabled?  I know many vets are.  No offense but many I know have become disabled.  And not only that, age too.  And some have PTSD.. so.. Let her learn something about judging people.  

    See?  Let them go. They are not worth it. Besides with our injuries or disability or illnesses, God wanted us to pay more attention to Him.  Our injuries/disabilities/illnesses are reminders to pay attention to God.  We need to be blessed because when we are in Heaven, we are HEALED!  Praise the Lord!  

    Besides I always think when I am talking with women, I got my work easier.  Heard of "weeding out"?  Ok, like bad weeds in your garden and you want to perseve your beautiful plants and flowers and all.  You weed them out, right?  Then you put mulch down.  That is the "disabilities" that will retard the growth of weeds.  It works right?  

    Now, picture this.  They see I am 5' 2.5", with white hair since age 18, deaf, blind in one eye, etc.  I got my work cut easier to find the lady because they see me and I just dont have to go through every single lady to get to know them.  They retreat from me so the field is more focused and reduced to a few true faithful to God type of women. Jesus said the harvest is plenty but a few are chosen.  Exactly the point here.  I understood clearly what Jesus was talking about.  So, gentlemen, you got it easier.. Really.  Not harder.  Think easier.  Harder to find because it is like needle in the haystack, I understand but.. really.  Make your life a wonderful blessed one before you are loved by that special lady.  

    I highly recommend you read my ebook which is only available on my website but I do not want to reveal further who I am on this site. unfortunately for my safety reason.  It is called, "Are You Sure?"   That explains more of what I am talking about here.

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